Category: Joke Board
Dear Alcohol, First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of
yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
gift, post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the
holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important.
I question the suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much
substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's?
Especially when I know, for a fact , they DO NOT want to hear from me during
the day, let alone all hours of the night.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I
eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went too
far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a
bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way
interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no
later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions.
And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership..
Thank you, Your Biggest Fan P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the
following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Agressive Disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY
WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening , officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing __,_._,___
This is good. Thanks.
Dear alcohol I hate you when I'm lying on the bathroom floor in vommet, oh and we can't forget... "oh matt" (my best friend's dad a hitting on session?) go to hell.
Dear Alcohol:
You have ripped my home apart, ruined potential relationships, and put me through hell. You have made me do things I've been sorry for, and been a useless crutch when I didn't get my way and was throwing a tantrum. You caused domestic violence in my home caused abuse in marriages I've had, and made me not want to live. If people want to throw their lives away because of you, so be it. I don't.
Hey. It's only a joke. Either like it or not, but lighten up.
Bob
blbobby I didn't know you had been following me around my entire time at college. Lets do a run down and see how many of these I've done. Drunk diling, I'm the master of it, x girlfriends regular friends they've all gotten my drunkin phone call at some point. Eating, well drunk was the first and only time I've eaten pizza with anchovies so that's true as well. Clumzyness ya I did sprain my ancle because of you alcohol but I was to drunk to notice until the next day. Hangovers, hell I'm lucky if my hang over is gone by 3 the next day it's usually more like 6 or 7.
Whoa what response to a joke!
As I've got the stuff under control I can laugh at this..1 pint and that was me satisfied.
Dear Alcohol, Please don't hurt me on my twenty-first birthday. (Does anyone know what's in a Harvey Wall Banger?)
No, but you taste each ingredient the second time around, so let us know.
Bob
it has vodka, orange juice and galliano
still lmao